The Victim
A victim has a pretty large window of opportunity to heal and recover from whatever offended them. However, it is just that...a window that is meant to be closed (secured shut) at some point; otherwise there is a constant draft (replay) of the event. This replay causes one to ruminate, have pity parties, withdraw, etc. Now, they are no longer the victim, but the offender. Be careful not to wallow. Just a thought!
Back in Nov. 2012 this thought occurred to me as I was often frustrated with individuals having pity parties. However, recently I found myself on the other end of the spectrum as being the victim, as I was deeply offended by a friend who walked away from me, uttering that she "didn't want to talk to me" after I shared my family's exciting news. While I was ready to cut any ties to our relationship, she called me 5 days later, but I could not pick up the phone. I was not willing to listen to more selfish complaints.
But, then around lunchtime on this particular day I picked up my textbook to go over my reading material for class...I would read 2 pages before I was humbled to the point of deciding to reach back out to this friend. In this book on wellness and wholeness Travis and Ryan (2004) explains that "we see the world through glasses colored by our assumptions and beliefs -- our thoughts about the way things are or should be. The injured party , wearing "glasses" of victimization, can always find scores of clues to reinforce the belief that he or she is being wronged".
In this moment of being hurt, I had assumed that my friend would find the happy medium of joy and sadness. I had assumed that if she felt disappointed or upset that she would be able to express just that, not walk away. One of my biggest pet peeves is the lack of communication in relationships because I am aware that unresolved issues can infect relationships. I expect that everyone should make some effort at communicating, but this is an unrealistic expectation for some cultures. Some cultures forbid the expression of emotions. Particularly, in my culture children are raised to be seen not heard; the message that I gathered was that adults were always right and the child's opinion was extremely limited. I am not sure if this is the case with this young lady, she comes from a different culture.
I have not denied the feelings of hurt and sadness from this experience, I have allowed that sting to pass through me, but now God has challenged me to empathize...to understand what my friend may have been feeling by allowing her the opportunity to express herself however she desired. When she and I finally talked she jokingly called me her "frienemy" (a term used by the younger generation to identify someone who is partly a friend and enemy). It took a lot of energy to laugh with her on that one.
We all have some areas of life that we have perfected or exhibited strength; my area is in communication. This, however, is my friend's area of weakness and The Lord revealed to me that I would have to humble myself and use this moment as an opportunity to allow her to express herself in the way she wanted; that I could not allow this moment to harden me. I believe that God desired to use my strength to help strengthen my friend's weak area. I found that her tone of sadness turned to one of joy after we talked, and she was even more understanding and supportive when she learned of the things that my family suffered in the past 4 years.
God revealed to me that His children turn away from Him all the time, but He changes not. He has legitimate reasons to cut us off but He does not; He stands ready to embrace us when we decide to return to Him. In fact, if anyone could play the role of the victim over a long period of time and get away with it, surely, it would be The Lord. Instead, we see His unconditional love through the prodigal son...a son, who chose to take his inheritance, though it was probably ill-advised, left his father's home and squandered it. We could speculate that his father may have been hurt or disappointed from his son's decision, but when he returned home his father's heart was still tender towards him and embraced him (Luke 15:11-32; 2 Chronicles 7:14, NIV).
While I could have remained comfortable in wallowing in my anger and frustration with my friend, God desired that I was brought to humility; it was not easy (I am a little intellectual firecracker when someone makes me angry -- nice-nasty kind of girl)...I could feel my spirit and flesh warring constantly until I concluded that I do want to be more like Jesus! Embracing my friend with a tender heart allowed God to heal the wounded areas and He is desiring to do the same with you...to help you achieve the balance of humility and strength.
References
Travis, J. W. & Ryan, R. S. (2004). Wellness workbook: How to achieve enduring
health and vitality (3rd e.d.). New York, NY: Celestial Arts.
