Walls of Defense
October 23, 2017
Growing up in a home where domestic
violence was the norm, and a community where sexual predators were plentiful,
and as a reject from my family system because of my “illegitimacy”, I became
skillful in protecting myself from people, especially those that hurt me, and
the deep sorrow that threatened to crush me. Distrust was my confidant; Anger
and Coldness cut people off at the knees when they got too close; Rebellion
lashed out against the world since Righteousness and Purity “betrayed”
me…giving me over too many times to my enemy. Hardness protected me from the
grips of Vulnerability. Sarcasm silenced Reason and Flattery. To my grandmother,
I became the snake that bites. Early in my marriage I was the pit bull that
would fight. As a pastor’s granddaughter, reared in my grandparent’s home, I
was taught to feel no pain, to uphold perfect Christian values for the sake of
the family’s reputation and image. I despised this message. The reality of my
“stuff” would taint that pretty little image. But, with diligence I protected
the family’s secrets with cinderblocks and concrete. This was my Wall of
Defense built by painful experiences, the wall that nearly cost me my marriage.
We are built with the natural
instinct to survive. When we sense a threat to our well being the sympathetic
nervous system is designed to enable us to escape these threats – elevating the
heart rate in preparation of flight, inhibiting the digestive system so that
bathroom breaks and stopping to eat doesn’t cost you your life. Picture this
same system overwhelmed with one trauma after the other and in a constant state
of alarm, not giving the parasympathetic nervous system the opportunity to do
its job of relaxing the body, to bring the body back into homeostasis. This
constant state of alarm had become my new norm; my system had become hijacked
and rewired. And, I required that people become adjusted and willing to
maintain my rewired system. People had the responsibility of keeping my wall
intact – nothing that they struggled with in their own personal lives could
trigger the pain that I had already suffered or represented a stone in my wall.
I had no capacity to tolerate anything that was counterproductive of keeping my
wall secure. For example, a person’s desire for intimacy triggered the pain of
sexual abuse; therefore, their attempts at closeness would be forbidden and any
further attempts would get them cut off completely. I had become my own god…knowing
what I needed, and people had become my god…giving me what I needed.
The company I kept with Distrust,
Anger, Coldness, Rebellion, Hardness and Sarcasm was an open invitation to
Isolation, Loneliness, Anxiety and Depression. So subtly, I was deceived…not
knowing when my initial and healthy intent to survive shifted into an unhealthy
pattern of behavior.
The problem was embedded in how I
processed the traumatic experiences. I despised Brokenness, when in fact these
traumas beckoned me to experience Brokenness. I resisted. Pride had convinced
me that Humiliation, Grief, Vulnerability and Defeat would overwhelm me to the
point of not being able to rise again. I was deceived to think that there was a
way over or around these painful experiences…and actually, there was…through
Unforgiveness. Unforgiveness led me to disconnect from social interaction for
fear of being hurt on the account of what someone else did.
I was paralyzed, held hostage from
the enjoyment of life.
I was now on a mission to escape
the negative thought processes that held me hostage. I challenged Pride’s idea
that Brokenness could not be trusted. I challenged my family’s religious view
that I must uphold the perfect image, by becoming a student of the Holy Bible
and discovering the Truth for myself. I became curious as to why Jesus would
choose Brokenness and Forgiveness rather than Retaliation and Unforgiveness.
The thought of welcoming Brokenness
was terrifying, but it was not as overwhelming as the thought of being held
hostage for the rest of my life. I wondered what this would look like in a
practical sense. This wondering brought about some crippling anxiety as I came
to the realization of the length of this healing journey.
Jesus is by far the perfect example
of health, wholeness, freedom, and an abundant life. Through Brokenness He declared
Victory. Though He knew the painful experiences He had to go through He focused
on His day-to-day missions, yet honest about how He was emotionally affected as
He cried out to God. He focused on His mission that brought Freedom for all
rather than allowing His emotions to ill-inform Him of the numerous
distractions that tempted to deter and hinder Him. Through Brokenness Jesus is
able to empathize with my Brokenness, having been tempted in more ways than I
ever had (Heb. 4:15). I concluded that there were two ways to handle
Brokenness…1. Become the offender because of those who offended me. Or, 2.
Empathize with people’s painful experiences and desire for them to know and
experience the fullness of life. Well, I had already tried number one, which yielded
snake and pit bull characteristics, and ultimately Depression. I am comforted
in knowing that Jesus desired my healing and with my healing I am able to
comfort others. In this way, we increase our capacity to be tolerable when
others are struggling. We increase our capacity to display the fruits of the
Spirit, to extend the grace and forgiveness that we received from God.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort
others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort
God has given us (1 Cor. 1:4).
A Prayer: Father God, I remember coming to you with my wall
on. You desired that I let You in, but honestly, I felt betrayed by You…a
loving God. I didn’t see You as loving, in fact, I didn’t think I mattered to
You, just as I didn’t to the world it seemed. We stared face-to-face for a long
time…me stubborn to the idea of You chiseling at my wall with Your love and
wisdom, fearing that without my wall there was nothing to hold my upright…a
fear that more trauma lied ahead and would catch me in my vulnerable state. I
remember the long hard stare I gave You, refusing to be moved by the tender
love that radiated from You. You didn’t even say a word. I broke silence. I
began to plead my case and You just listened. You stayed with me through every
emotion and harsh word. Your caring gaze was fixed on me; You ached for me You
let me do the talking prayer after prayer until I emptied thoughts and
questions that went through my mind about my horrific childhood experiences for
years. I remember Your first response was a long embrace, no words, You just
held me. When You did speak it was brief, not too overwhelming. You didn’t
force me to see the whole picture in one day. Sometimes it was a word, short
phrase or question to ponder…like, “What’s the gift of Your tragedies?”
So take my friend, who is reading this to that secret
place, their own place…like You did for me and like You did for Jesus. Hear
their cry, be attentive to the sensitive details of their story that has kept
them bound. Help them to see that You are present as they present their case.
Sometimes we fear Your wrath if we present with anger, fear that You will see
it as a disrespect. It is not a disrespect, but a release of the crippling pain
that we have held in for so long.
Comfort my friend. Let the radiance of Your love hold them
close. Let Your impenetrable wings wrap around them and let the power of Your
glorious presence restore them to life in the places they have been constantly
robbed. Gently dismantle every stone that is the result of painful experiences,
and like Joseph, give them the vision and opportunity to use it for Your glory
and to their good. Fill them with Your strength to conquer Your purpose. May
they know the lowly place that they have been has gifted them with the ability
to be sensitive and empathize with other people’s pain, so that they too may
know the love You have comforted them with. Summon their angels, give them the
charge to keep my friend in perfect peace, even on stormy days. Give their
angels the charge to fill their cup each time they give out so that feel no
lack, in Jesus name, Amen.
Practical Steps
to Freedom:
·
Personifying
feelings and their messages, being honest about my experience with them and
challenging their messages with the Truth. Journaling.
·
Feel the pain and
trust that God hears your cry; He will avenge you and deliver you. Find the
supporting Scriptures
·
Set goals to do
life differently. For example, having distrust for people is common. But be patient
with the process of establishing friendships by investing in building the
relationship through quality time and transparency. Be intentional. Don’t lay
out your whole life at once. Note how people handle the small amount of
information you give them.
·
Exposure Therapy:
Expose yourself to the very thing you fear, as long as it does not cause harm.
For example, I feared going out to restaurants to eat for fear of being stared
at and judged. New action…I take myself out to eat until I am no longer anxious
about it
·
Focus on one task
at a time. Seeing yourself as capable and valuable. Not staring so far into the
future that I am overwhelmed by all that needs to be done and allowing that to
cause doubt
·
Saying what God
says about me, embracing it, and allow the energy of those words be the force
and passion that goes into each daily tasks
